I have no idea where that phrase comes from, and in this hectic life of being "mama!" I don't have time to go find out, but it seemed a suitable title for this first blog entry.
'Dew and Rain for a Blessing'
I chose the name months ago. It spoke to me, and yet I couldn't begin to blog, because I didn't know why it spoke to me.
And then tonight, as I lay in bed nursing Shua to sleep (the fourth, or maybe fifth, time tonight) I was thinking about a few things, and a pleasing explanation of this phrase came to me, peacefully.
In that moment, the phrase "Dew and Rain for blessing," came to mean to me the idea of "everything in its time." As I digested that thought (...Shua beside me, nursing away), a wave of calmness rolled over me. And when, after getting up from nursing, I still remembered (nursing has this amazing effect of making me forget mostly everything I think of once we're finished), I knew this was something meaningful and decided to sit down and write while it was still fresh.
"Dew and Rain for Blessing" is part of a Jewish blessing. In the fall, after the Holiday of Sukkot ends, we pray for rain, as the growing season in Israel begins. At another point in the year, the prayer is for morning dew. While I don't have a great grasp on this tradition, it is tied up in the idea of the Jew's relationship with G!d being reflected through nature. When Jews are 'good' as a people, then nature supports them. Waters come in their right time. Water at the right time is a blessing. Water at the wrong time is flooding, tsunamis, hurricanes, drought, etc. While I may, or may not, or not ever, or someday might, believe in G!d, this idea of rain at the right times, of 'everything in its time,' spoke to me tonight. Although, I think its more about how I see those times than whether its coming in the right time. Any time is the right time, if I see it so.
A lot of my life - my childhood, adolescence, early adulthood - I remember waiting for the right time. I remember daydreaming of the not to distant future, where whatever I was currently struggling with was over and everything was right again. I dreamed of a time where I would finally be content and not filled with conflict. I'm sure many people have felt this way.
Recently, after lots of struggles in my life (oh, and I forgot to mention JEALOUSY for those who I perceive not to have such struggles) I've arrived at, or at least found the beginning, of what I hope is a route to inner peace. And the funny part, the ironic part, is that none of the things I thought would happen to reach this place has happened. I haven't solved my inner turmoil over G!d, religion, etc. I'm still struggling with parenting philosophies. My marriage is strong, and mostly peaceful recently, but there isn't any less fodder for conflict than their used to be (oh, ok, maybe a little bit less...).
But I feel relaxed. Peaceful. Not all the time. There are moments of anxiety, stress, irritation. But having identified those things as coming from inside me, and not as reactions to reality, I've been able to temper them (so far) and keep my family's lives on a more even keel until I feel more like myself.
Life is nothing as I had planned.
I. Am. Content.